Principal
 |
Dean Tickle |
Bullies
by Dean Tickle
September 8, 2011
I recently vacationed with and old friend of mine from high school. We actually attended kindergarten together and have been friends for over 42 years, which is remarkable since we are both very young guys. My friend: Brian Ewert is the superintendent in Englewood, Colorado. As we began to discuss our common past and the similarities of our current jobs, the issue of schoolyard bullies came up. My friend had used a story from his past to enlighten his school community about the danger bullies pose in our schools. I asked Brian if he would send me a copy of the story. He did, and his recollections match perfectly with my own. I share this story with you, with Mr. Ewert's permission and with a few slight alterations so that it will fit the context of Lexington Middle School.
Remember the "good ole' days" when a childhood disagreement or argument was settled behind the school in the abandoned lot? Remember when your parents told you that this was just a part of growing up and you either had to stand up for yourself or ignore those who were picking on you?
Since your child has been in school... any school... has a school official had conversations with you about your child's aggressive behavior? As a parent, was your first reaction to say or think any of the following?
"It wasn't his fault; he was provoked."
"That's just normal childhood behavior."
"He does those things because he's all boy."
"You are just overreacting."
"You are picking on my child."
"You are too nit-picky about my child's behavior."
Furthermore, when your child told you their version of the incident, were you inclined to believe that their perception of the incident was 100% accurate even though the version presented by school officials was quite different? Did your child also suggest to you that no one at the school likes them and that all the students and adults lie about them? I point out these examples because in my thirteen years as a school administrator, each year these patterns of denial, rebuttal, and excuses are becoming the norm rather than the exception.
At Lexington Middle School, a great deal of time is spent making sure that we present parents with complete and accurate facts about their child's behavior so that parents can provide the necessary and appropriate intervention and consequences at home if needed. In addition, (believe me when I say) the staff at Lexington overlooks many "typical" student behaviors. We quickly redirect students appropriately and the day moves on. Parents are not notified of these routine matters. Nor do we go out of our way to catch a student doing the wrong thing. We hold to the presupposition that the majority of children will be in the right place, doing the right thing, at the right time if presented with clear expectations. Parents are notified when patterns of behavior are noted or when the aggressive/serious nature of the incident requires us to ask for the support and proactive intervention from parents.
A TRUE STORY
I grew up in a small farming community in 
Western
Nebraska. I attended West Fifth Elementary School until the third grade. As a
fourth grader, I moved to Progress Elementary where I met my first bully...
Mitchon.
Mitch came from a home where the parents were in denial about his behaviors and actions around the school and neighborhood. In many ways, his behavior was enabled by his parents because there were never any consequences or interventions when his behaviors were inappropriate.... only excuses about why it wasn't Mitch's fault.
Mitch regularly used foul language but denied it when confronted by adults. His parents believed him. Mitch intimidated me and almost every other student in school at some point. When confronted, he denied the accusations and his parents believed him. He would kick and hit others when adults were not around. When confronted, he denied it and said that everyone was lying about him. Mitch's parents always sided with him.
Being a bright boy, Mitch quickly learned that through lying and manipulation, he could do just about anything without ever receiving consequences or redirection. Even school officials got tired of talking with Mitch's parents due to their defensive posturing and denial about the behaviors in which Mitch was engaged.
In middle school, Mitch drank alcohol and smoked cigarettes behind the school. When caught by the principal, his parents laughed and felt these experimentations were perfectly normal for a teenager. At fifteen, Mitch became a father and was involved in a number of petty crimes. Of course, Mitch's parents had money and a lawyer happened to be a close family friend. The pattern continued and Mitch never had to face any real consequences for his behaviors and actions.
At 16, Mitch had not changed his bullying behavior. He continued to harass and intimidate students at school, around the community, and even in nearby communities. He was kicked off the football team for fighting.
There were numerous suspensions from school, most
of which his parents claimed were the fault of the school and administration.
Eventually, Mitch dropped out of school and was known around town for his
fighting, drug use, and alcohol abuse. He was unable to hold a job; his abusive
behavior was also directed at his boss and fellow employees. As a young adult,
Mitch was in and out of jail for a number of petty crimes ranging from burglary
to assault and battery.
I'd like to say that this story has a happy ending.... but it doesn't...
At my ten-year class reunion, I asked the question, "Does anyone know what happened to Mitch?"
The group I was standing with had a shocked look, a look that said, "You don't know?" Mitch was killed in a barroom brawl in Portland, Oregon in 1991.
I tell this story to point out that if the patterns of inappropriate behavior and bullying are not stopped at an early age, long term consequences can be directly linked to violent and aggressive adult behavior and criminality.
SO... WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH LEXINGTON?
I'd like to say that students at Lexington Middle
School never bully, intimidate, or harass other students, but they do. Across
the county, strict and mandatory laws and policies have been enacted to make
sure that schools provide a safe and orderly environment for learning; the
consequences for students who bully, intimidate, and harass other students can
be immediate and severe.
Every day in our Nation's schools, children are
threatened, teased, taunted and tormented by schoolyard bullies. Sometimes it
happens at the bus stop, sometimes on the bus, sometimes on the playground, and
sometimes in the classroom. For some children, bullying is a fact of life that
they are told to accept as a part of growing up. Those (parents, school
officials, community members) who fail to recognize and stop bullying practices
as they occur actually promote violence, sending the message to children that
might indeed make right.
Bullying among children is commonly defined as intentional, repeated, hurtful acts, words or other behavior, such as name-calling, threatening and/or shunning committed by one or more children against another. These negative acts are not intentionally provoked by the victims and for such acts to be defined as bullying; an imbalance in real or perceived power must exist between the bully and the victim.
Bullying may be physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual in nature. For example:
· Physical bullying includes punching, poking, strangling, hair pulling, beating, and biting.
· Verbal bullying includes such acts as hurtful name-calling, teasing, and gossip.
· Emotional bullying includes rejecting, terrorizing, extorting, defaming, humiliating, blackmailing, negatively rating personal characteristics such as race, disability, ethnicity, manipulating friendships, isolating, ostracizing and peer pressure.
· Sexual bullying includes many of the actions listed above including propositioning, sexual harassment and abuse involving physical contact and sexual assault.
SO... WHO IS HURT?
Bullying, intimidation, and harassment often interfere with learning.
Acts of bullying usually occur away from the eyes of teachers or other responsible adults. Consequently, if perpetrators go unpunished, a climate of fear envelopes the victims. Victims can suffer far more than actual physical harm:
· Grades may suffer because attention is drawn away from learning.
· Fear may lead to absenteeism, truancy, or dropping out. Victims may lose or fail to develop self-esteem, experience feelings of isolation and may become withdrawn and depressed.
· As students and later as adults, victims may be hesitant to take social, intellectual, emotional or vocational risks.
· If the problem persists, victims occasionally feel compelled to take drastic measures, such as vengeance in the form of fighting back, weapon-carrying, or even suicide.
· Victims are more likely than non-victims to grow being socially anxious and insecure, displaying more symptoms of depression than those who were not victimized as children.
Bystanders and peers of victims can be distracted from learning as well. They may:
· be afraid to associate with the victim for fear of lowering his or her own status or of retribution for the bully and becoming victims themselves;
· fear reporting bullying incidents because they do not want to be called a snitch, a tattler, or and informer;
· experience feelings of guilt or helplessness for not standing up to the bully on behalf of their classmate;
· be drawn into bullying behavior by group pressure;
· feel unsafe, unable to take actions or a loss of control.
Bullies themselves are
also at risk for long-term negative outcomes when parents are in denial about
such behavior and do not aggressively intervene.... allowing them to continue a
pattern of bullying intimidation, and harassment. In one study, elementary
students who perpetrated acts of bullying attended school less frequently and
were more likely to drop out of school than other students. Several studies
suggest that bullying in early childhood may be an early sign of the
development of violent tendencies, delinquency, and criminality.
STRATEGIES FOR STUDENTS
Students may not know what to do when they observe a classmate being bullied or experience such victimization themselves. Depending on the situation and their own level of comfort, students can:
· seek immediate help from an adult;
· report bullying/victimization incidents to school personnel;
· speak up and/or offer support to the victim when they see him/her being bullied;
· privately support those being hurt with words of kindness or condolence;
· express disapproval of bullying behavior by not joining in the laughter, teasing, or spreading of rumors or gossip;
· attempt to defuse the problem situations either single-handedly or in a group-for example, by taking the bully aside and asking him/her to "cool it."
STRATEGIES FOR PARENTS
The best protection parents can offer their children who are involved in a bully/victim conflict is to foster their child's confidence and independence and to be willing to take action when needed. The following suggestions are offered to help parents identify appropriate response to conflict experienced by their children at school:
· Be careful not to convey to a child who is being victimized that something is wrong with him/her or that he/she deserves such treatment. When a child is subjected to abuse by his or her peers, it is not fair to fault the child's social skills. Respect is a basic right. All children are entitled to courteous and respectful treatment. Convince your child that he or she is not at fault and that the bully's behavior is the source of the problem.?
· It is appropriate to call the school if your child is involved in a conflict as either a victim or a bully. Work cooperatively with school personnel to address the problem. Keep records of incidents so that you can be specific in your discussion with school personnel about your child's experiences at school.
· You may wish to arrange a conference with a teacher or the principal. School personnel may be able to offer some practical advice to help you and your child. They may also be able to intervene directly with each of the participants. School personnel may have observed the conflict firsthand and may be able to corroborate your child's version of the incident, making it harder for the bully or the bully's parents to deny its authenticity.?
· While it is often important to talk with the bully or his/her parents, be careful with this approach. In some cases, the bullying will stop and the parents will be supportive. In other cases, speaking directly to the bully may signal to the bully that your child is a weakling. Parents of bullies may also fail to see anything wrong with bullying equating it to "standing up for oneself."
· Offer support to your child but do not encourage dependence on you. Rescuing your child from challenges or assuming responsibility yourself when things are not going well does not teach your child independence. The more choices a child has to make, the more he or she develops independence, and independence can contribute to self-confidence.?
· Do not encourage your child to be aggressive or to strike back, particularly at school. Chances are that it is not his or her nature to do so. Rather, teach your child to be assertive. A bully often is looking for an indication that his/her threats and intimidation are working. Tears or passive acceptance only reinforces the bully's behavior. A child who does not respond as the bully desires is not likely to be chosen as a victim.
· Be patient. Conflict between children more than likely will not be resolved overnight. Be prepared to spend time with your child, encouraging your child to develop new interests or strengthen existing talents and skills that will help develop and improve his/her self-esteem. Also, help your child to develop new or bolster existing friendships. ?Friends often serve as buffers to bullying.?
· If the problem persists or escalates, you may need to seek an attorney's help or contact local law enforcement official. Threats, intimidation, harassment, and assault are illegal in Nebraska and these laws apply to children as well. Bullying should not be tolerated in the school or in the neighborhood any more than adults would tolerate such situations at work.
Note: The school will collaborate with law enforcement when specific incidents of bullying persist and when parents are unresponsive and uncooperative with school officials in their requests for support and intervention.
